Assertive Communication
Being able to express our thoughts and feelings helps us get our needs met. However many people find it hard to do so. It may be caused by thoughts or feelings people have about being assertive. Here are some examples:
Being assertive can be perceived by others as being aggressive or selfish
Being unassertive is being polite and helpful.
Feeling unsure about how to put their needs in words
Feeling anxious about asserting their needs to the extent that they are unable to speak up
How do I know I need to work on my assertiveness?
Start thinking about situations in which you need to assert yourself. For example,
rejecting a request
asking for help
expressing displeasure (anger, disgust, frustration)
giving criticism
starting and sustaining a conversation
giving compliments
Consider the people that may be involved:
Friends
Authority figures
Colleagues
Family members
Strangers
Gender difference
Do you find difficulties in asserting yourself in any specific situations or with any specific people?
If so, you may also want to think about if you have engaged in any of the following unhelpful communication styles:
Aggressive Communication
Passive Communications
Force your needs of opinions onto others, and think that only your needs matter
Refusing to compromise
Use of physical or emotional violence
No speaking up at all, or speaking up with little confidence
Allowing others to disregard your needs or even bully you
If you want to develop a healthy assertive communication style, you will need to
Expressing your needs clearly while treating others with respect,
Often compromise, balancing needs for both parties
Use clear language to get point across
If you would like to say no assertively, you may want to:
Acknowledge the feeling of the requestor before assertively saying no: ‘I know it is challenging for you but I am unable to help you right now.’
Briefly state the genuine reason for saying no: ‘I can’t do it now because I am rushing an important deadline for tomorrow.’
Ask for other ways to meet the needs of others: ‘Are there other things that I can help with tomorrow or later?’
If you would like to disagree with unconstructive criticism assertively, e.g. someone said “you are stupid” for one mistake you made, you may want to:
Agree in parts where appropriate: ‘You are right that this should not be done this way.’
Ask for more specific information to find out about the validity of the criticism, and seek room for possible improvement: e.g. ‘Would you let me know in what ways you think I’m stupid and how I can do better?”
Making correction to the criticism: ‘I think I am not stupid. I may make mistakes occasionally but I am able to do things well other times.’
If you would like to give criticism assertively, you may want to:
Do it when you are calm and able to look at things objectively
Find an appropriate place to do it
Describe the behaviour and consequences that you are criticizing and avoid labelling a person, i.e. ‘You have missed the deadline’ rather than ‘you are unreliable’.
Describe your feelings using the I statement: e.g.: ‘I am feeling very concerned when….’ Rather than ‘you are stressing me up’
Ask for a specific change. ‘I find that you have not given me the information, could you please send it to me by 5 pm today?’
Manage your expectation and be prepared to handle the consequences in the event that the other party does not respond.
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